Vascular Birthmarks Foundation Forum - View Single Post - Relationships
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  #47  
Old 10-22-2010, 06:13 AM
s_haimen
 
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It is extremely difficult for me to develop relationships with people. I hold back many emotions so I do not want to expose them to my crazy thoughts that even I cannot understand. Also when I used to actually share my depressed thoughts with friends it was very difficult for them and I understand that. So I am never able to be my true real self ever. Also, I am not affectionate. I do not even hug my own parents. I hate PDA with boyfriends. I was also heart broken by a guy that couldnt take my depression anymore. I used to cry for no reason and nor he or i could help myself so it was very frustrating. So i do not like having a bf because i dont want them to be with me because i am very hard to deal with. I even have a hard time dealing with myself. the worst is when i like a guy and i get intimate with him and then when he sees my huge ugly scar i need to tell him what it is and blabla.... and hope to god that he doesnt get disgusted. last summer i went to a wedding a wore a sleeveless dress that exposed my huge scar on my shoulder from my skin grafts (to remove my birthmark). i very rarely wear sleveless and when i do its so hard for me to be relaxed. so i met a guy at the wedding and he told me that he loved my scar and thought it was beautiful and then we were bf and gf the next week already and he told me he loved me...and i just went along with it because he liked my scar not even because i liked him, because i didnt even like him THAT much. just because he ;iked my scar i felt that it was such a rare thing that i just went for it. then broke up with him after a month. i hate relationships. why?? because i cannot understand how somebody could really love me for me. Im so difficult to deal with, im depressed (i take meds tho), i have a visible huge scar, and im not confident. the way i feel about going into a relationship is that i can only do it once i fix the relationship i have with myself. im 23 yrs old and have yet to fix that relationship with myself. i try really hard everyday and HOPE that one day i will be satisfied and happy.
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