Relationships

[hankbartenbach]

Hi Violet,

I am on birthmarks.com as well. I know people that are on different group as well that are mostly single.
Email me and we can talk about it.

When it comes to finding someone for relationships. I have noticed that I look for "perfect people" all the time. I have had some relationships in my days. The gals I have dated where not the most perfect people in the world. Everybody has flaws, and no one is perfect. To me it does not matter what the person looks like, if matters how big their heart is, and who the person is inside. The ways I am saying is if the person is not as atractive they are more open to relationships, and are less judgemental.

It is not you, it is the other people around you that can not except you, and nobody needs that in their life.

Hope this helps,

Hank

Thanks Hank!

I don't know about anyone else, but I found that when I stopped looking, I found a wonderful guy (I know he wasn't looking either). It seems like that's when it happens for all of my friends who don't have birthmarks as well.

For me at least, I think that's when you relax and don't feel the "I need a relationship" pressure. It allows the person to see you (i.e. fall for you ) for who you are, without all the facades that everyone puts up when they are focused on the 'need to be in a relationship' zone. I decided to be happy with myself and relax - if the right person came along, that was cool, if not, I was happy so who cares. After about a year, the right person came along and added extra layers of happiness, but at my core I'm still happy. I think that's also part of what attracts him to me.

I don't know if that helps or not.
Take care,
Dyan

[hankbartenbach]

Thanks, Dyan,

I will have to try that for a change.

It is hard to not look for someone. More or less I am always thinking of wanting children in my life in the future. Either way wheather they are mine own or I adopt I will have children. Also, thinking of being so lonely in this world.

Thanks again.

Hank

Hi Hank,

I'm sorry if I made it sound like it was easy, it wasn't. It takes a lot of soul searching and self analysis to be happy on your own (I'm feeling rather Dr. Phil-esque this morning, lol ;D)

It isn't easy at all, but for me, the benefits were so worthwhile - I became more confident, more open (I honestly don't care why strangers are looking at me, I smile and say hi as if there isn't a thing different about me) and less concerned with what others thought or how they perceived me.

Like I've said before, it took one heck of a 'life is too short' moment for me to get past all of the 'junk' of my adolescence and learn to love myself for who I am, not who I wanted to be. Wow, how's that for preachy. I'm sorry if I've rambled.

Let me just say that you are still very young Hank. You have plenty of time to think about children and find the perfect someone. You have a heart of gold and I know that someday you will find a person who will love you exactly the way that you are.

Have a great day!
Dyan

[Miriam]

Hello all,

At some other parts of this board, a few people have touched on what seems to me like an excellent point about how sometimes we assume the worst about people and create a self-fulfilling prophesy about relationships. We start putting out “get away from me” vibes. Everyone has relationship problems from time to time. Those of us with birthmarks, I think, tend to ascribe any such problems to our marks when it may be something entirely different. It’s like that joke about the [insert whichever race/ethnicity] man who stuttered and when he was turned down for a job as a radio announcer, he called the hiring committee racists.

It’s a natural reaction to build walls to protect yourself from hurt, but sometimes the walls are what are really causing the problem. For me, I first noticed I was doing this when someone told me they’d been wanting to try to get to know me but hadn’t tried earlier because I always looked like I wanted to be alone or like I was busy or something. Of course, I did! I’d been cultivating that image because I thought I had to be alone because of my VMs, but I also had too much pride to look needy or lonely, so I tried to look like I wanted to be alone! Even after this, I went to college with my best friend whom I’d known since childhood and even he said he was sometimes a little too intimidated to approach me when he saw me on campus. Now, that’s pretty bad. I mean, it’s not like I wear a spiked collar.

I do notice that sometimes guys look at me (I’m a woman). Automatically, I assume they’re thinking “Ew, what an ugly freak!” or at best “Oh, poor thing!” so I freeze up and get defensive. But what if they’re thinking “Hey, what a hot babe!”, but then I don’t smile back so they think, “Oh, looks like she’s not interested.”

I think the same thing goes for anyone with a physical difference. Sometimes we have to be the one to make the first move and do what we can not to become icy and unapproachable because we’ve been hurt in the past. (Easier said than done!) Even then, maybe you try flirting, but it doesn’t work. Maybe that’s not because of the mark, but something else.

Once, some of my women friends and I were sitting around complaining about why we had no boyfriends, boring jobs, and other problems. Being women, we blamed our bodies: “If I were thinner, I could get a better job”, “If I didn’t have such a big nose, I’d get invited to more parties” and on and on. It finally reached the point of absurdity and one of the women said, “You know, if I just had bigger breasts, there would be peace on Earth!” and we all laughed. I think of that line every time I feel myself slipping into self-pity. I think it helps sometimes just to imagine what you would ascribe relationship problems to if you didn’t have the birthmark. After all, if someone can’t love a person just because that person has birthmarks, it would make me wonder if they really know what love is.

Well, that’s my 2 cents, anyway. I’d better get down off the soapbox now.

Miriam, that was a great message.

[hankbartenbach]

Hi Miriam,

First of all I wanted to thank you for posting that message. It brought a whole new prospective on relationships.
Out of all the adults with a vascular birthmarks that I know or have talked to (which are in the hundreds) I do have to say this. For some reason I know allot more women that are in relationships then guys. In my opinion guys except the looks of the person sooner then Women do. I know allot of people out there are judgemental in there own way so some people see the real you sooner then others. I just know allot more women that are married or married and have kids then men. I do not know if there is just more women out there with birth defects and/or there are just more women that get on these support groups because they are not affrad to share their feelings like most men are.
I admit I am one of those guys if you are sitting in the same room with me, but online I do not feel judged so I can open up more I guess.

I guess there is so many different stand points of relationships out there. I really depends of age and gender I guess.

Thank you again for that message Miriam. If anybody else wants to add to this topic please do. I like a wide range of opnions.

Hank

[KristieinStMarysGA]

Not having a visible birthmark I have not come across this problem..But I think maybe girls might be afraid, to ask what you have or ask you out (I never ask a guy out...to shy)

I don't know what it really boils down to..but I wish you luck Hank, you seem like a super nice guy...who will make a girl very happy



Kristie

[hankbartenbach]

I also thought of after I posted that is women can get a way with having make up on to.

Thanks Kristie for the words of encouragement. As you already know relationships are not on the top of my worries right now. My eye is.

Talk to you soon.

Hank